Extreme pre flight anxiety

[ClippedWings]

If I had to give one word on my feelings leading up to a plane trip, it's miserable. I was always nervous about flying since a young age, but just the same have taken 20 or so round trip flights in my lifetime, so maybe 50 takeoffs and landings in total. Several years back there was a period where I actually was pretty indifferent in attitude towards air travel, but then I think a combination of things changed that. First, an incident where the plane had to return to the airport shortly after takeoff. Even though I now know it was minor, the feeling I had while going back around is something I never want to experience again. Second, I always felt very comfortable on Southwest because they really projected an image of taking pride in safety, but then they got dinged a couple of years back for lack of proper maintenance so this was a comfort zone that was somewhat removed. Third I think is having a family and small children. Finally, I suppose was 9/11, and nowadays the terror threat probably worries me the most, especially when going to Europe.

I've had 6 trips in the last couple of years, and all have been uneventful, save a lightning strike on one leg, but that surprisingly doesn't really enter my mind too often. I do have some nervousness in the air, but it's really the extreme anxiety in the weeks leading up to the trip that is unbearable. There's no doubt that part of it is lack of control, but at the same time I also travel a lot by rail and never have anxiety, even after seeing accidents in the media.

Now I am supposed to take a trip in a couple of weeks and my anxiety level is through the roof, to the point where I haven't built up the nerve to book the trip yet. I've studied all of the various recommended literature, but not sure if any of it will work. What makes it most difficult for me is that I constantly seem to go from one extreme of thinking "this is silly, what am I worried about" to "I don't need this stress, I should just accept that flying is not for me and stay grounded."

It seems like a lot of people who post either have not flown often, or have fears about things such as turbulence. I really don't fit into that group, in fact what bothers me is that I hoped that as I took more flights the anxiety would go down, but it really seems like with each trip it gets a bit worse. Anyone else had a similar experience?

[MathFox]

Anticipatory Anxiety is so normal that we use the shorthand AA here, so :welcome2:
I've studied all of the various recommended literature, but not sure if any of it will work.
What tricks to reduce stress did you try, which tricks worked and which didn't?

[ClippedWings]

Thanks. Well, the breathing certainly will help a little with the physical symptoms, but not much with the emotional symptoms. Honestly, until now I've pretty much just sucked it up without trying many of the techniques, it is only now that I am getting more willingness to try things.

In my mind, if the AA was only there on the day of my flight it wouldn't be such a big issue, as taking 4 flights a year would only give me a few days of stress.

But, making 4 trips a year and know about each trip a month in advance means spending 1 out of every three minutes of my life with anxiety about air travel. Definitely not a good thing to say the least. So what I would really love is to be able to just book a trip and then forget about it until the day of the trip, save packing my luggage of course.

[AndyR]

Something that helped me was to allocate a certain amount of time to "worry". I read about this concept somewhere. However, I read so much that I don't remember where. Anyway, it sort of goes like this. You decide to set aside 10 minutes a day (or whatever you need) to just worry about your flight. During the other times of the day, you go about your business and if you get these AA thoughts you simply say, ok, I'm going to worry about that later and you do. During those 10 minutes, let all the thoughts that you have suppressed during the day come back and give them your full attention. You will find that many of the negative thoughts go away and sometimes you don't use your full 10 minutes.

There are so many strategies out there, take what works for you and tweak some to make them work. Always remember that is is your choice to fly. You don't have to. When you acknowledge that you made the decision and no one else it will give you some sense of control and that is what is lacking sometimes in air travel. We like to feel in "control".

Good Luck!
Andy

[Kimmar]

Hello, and welcome!

I'll be quick, as I am working and need to get back to it.

What you are dealing with (or not dealing with, as the case may be) is a little malfunction in your brain that has "decided" to be triggered by flying. You start to think about having to fly, and your brain starts to amp up the "fight or flight fear response" that is a natural and useful response *when there is a real threat.* Flying (as you know) is safe and not a real threat to your life.

For whatever reason, (there are as many as there are fearful flyers) this is what *our* brains picked to jump start that response!

You are right the breathing techniques will work, and they will help with the physical response to the brain triggering fear. When you deal with the physical responses the brain starts (eventually) to fall into line and realize, "hey, we are breathing deeply and relaxed...We must be relaxed... There must not be anything to be afraid of..."

Crazy I know, but it works! If the physical signals being sent to the brain are all the ones that we do when we are relaxed then the brain falls in line...

It's not *easy* to do, since this reaction is now your habit, but it *can* be done. I'm living proof, and I don't fly as often as you, but I certainly had the same level of anxiety as you do. Weeks before a flight I'd be sick and not sleeping or dreaming of crashes. The day of, (of course I wouldn't sleep at all the night before) I'd be sick to my stomach, exhausted, couldn't eat, using the bathroom, evacuating everything in my body (TMI, sorry! LOL) dry mouth, shaky, unable to think or focus at all...(Sound familiar??)

So take our advice here, read the forums, (there's plenty of good advice and "tricks") practice the techniques at Anxieties.com and you'll be well on your way to beating this monster back into the closet where it belongs.

You won't get over it overnight (or maybe you will, but it took me at least a year or two) but if you are committed to getting over this fear and overcoming anxiety that has no useful purpose, you've found the right place!!

Keep coming back and let us know how you are doing. Hanging around here for the support is another valuable tool.:thumbsup:

[MathFox]

Something that helped me was to allocate a certain amount of time to "worry". I read about this concept somewhere. However, I read so much that I don't remember where.

Recommended trick! One of the places I've seen it is http://www.anxieties.com/flying-step6.php ; the other techniques mentioned on that page are worth a try. It may take a few days to become proficient with them; keep on trying.

[ClippedWings]

Thanks for the welcome everyone:thumbsup:

I tried the "putting your worries aside" trick but unfortunately that didn't go very well, especially when lying in bed. I'll keep trying though.

Also, still haven't built up the courage to hit the purchase button for my trip.

Personally, I'm much more of a classroom learner than a book learner, so I'm wondering if I really will need some "human interaction" in the end.

[MathFox]

Personally, I'm much more of a classroom learner than a book learner, so I'm wondering if I really will need some "human interaction" in the end.

You are welcome to get some of the interaction here, :grouphug: but if that is not enough for you there is the option of working with a therapist or finding a self-help group in your area. In the end what matters most is what would be most effective for you! We say that all fearful fliers are different and a therapy that cures one does not have to be the best approach for another. You are the best one to decide for yourself, we can provide support and information.

[aerobat]

Hi, ClippedWings,

I would suggest you carefully read the essay at this link:

http://homepage.mac.com/lesposen/iblog/B80495344/C1011884342/index.html (http://homepage.mac.com/lesposen/iblog/B80495344/C1011884342/index.html)

There are some important facts in there--not only about why a fear of flying often becomes worse with repeated flights (true for me until I had a breakthrough), but also about the ways in which our intellect is twisted around and used against us by our avoidance strategies.

There's something about the start of recovery that I have found hard to verbalize, but which is vital. It has to do with an intuitive realization that we have been tricked. It's just as Kimmar says. But the critical aha! doesn't necessarily leap out from words on a page; it's likely to come in some moment of self-discovery as we explore various techniques for changing our feelings.

As others have said, the techniques are available in abundance at anxieties.com. I had the good fortune of working one-on-one with that site's author, Dr. Reid Wilson, and he demonstrated to me in one session how certain words can be keys to ideas and feelings and those in turn are keys to the door through the wall. I had the advantage of having just had a breakthrough flight (to get to him, and incidentally to a short-term teaching job) in which the very act of getting on a plane (first flight in 13 years) following a thorough reading of Reid's book Don't Panic had cracked open the negative flying paradigm I had carried around for decades. It was almost like molting, shedding an old skin. But I still had a lot of work to do to stabilize it and just a few sessions with him gave me a huge tool kit.

For me, the breathing exercises were not all that helpful (but for some people they are). Though they slowed my heart rate momentarily, it was the cognitive stuff that really worked for me--the thought-stopping, the replacement of negatives with positives, the anxiety education. Ultimately, it was the kid in me who had loved airplanes when very young (though I'd never been on one) who stepped in and became my emotional mentor. And still is, 16 years later.

What you can do, if you cannot arrange to meet with an anxiety specialist, is to give these techniques at anxieties.com a fair shake and keep a journal. Let your hunches be your guide, and record everything. At first you are determining which techniques seem to offer you hope, and thereafter, you work diligently with those and practice, practice practice. These don't work dramatically or overnight, but what they do is to open a window onto a future of flying more comfortably. That glimpse is the key you are searching for, but you have to chase it down, earn it, own it.

A fear of flying is almost never what we think it is. It is not, even if we have thought about it for twenty years every which way we can (on our own) with no emotional progress. This recognition can be an epiphany. We can let go of all the things we think it is and make space for something new. For me, that something new was a realization that I had been tricked. My brain had pulled a thirty-year fast one on me. And not only was I surprised (and a bit delighted) but also pissed. :fuming:

Okay, I am going to offer you a bit of speculative mapmaking. You have been a nervous flier all your life, but you continued to fly. Without trust, or significant trust, and without much aviation knowledge, and likely not much knowledge about the physiology of anxiety. That combo of ingredients is the perfect medium for the planting of phobic fear.

The one flight that did it to you--escalated the fear into almost unbearable panic or near-panic--was the one where your pilots returned to the airport soon after takeoff. The experience of helplessness and terror and not knowing what was wrong (and imagining the worst) was the seed that was planted in the perfect medium. And voila.

Everything else (having kids, SWA getting dinged, even 9/11) has just been the snowball effect. It's classic: increased sensitivity with repeated exposure and repeated validation. This is why I sometimes joke that a fear of flying is like poison ivy. :lol:

Foffies often resist new ideas and strategies at first. Not entirely consciously. But we don't give the new stuff a fair trial. It doesn't seem to work (well, not overnight). It's not a magic wand; it seems puerile, too simple. My fear is worse than other peoples' fear. We have all sorts of postulates tangled up with our fear. In my case, I was inflated to the tune of feeling that I doomed any plane I boarded. Me. :rolleyes: It's a common illusion and the result of our run-amok imagination which itself is slaved to that part of us that wants never again to re-experience that awful terror we once felt and will do anything to deceive us into believing that any plane we get on will crash, and if that isn't enough, will assail us with the exquisite details of that catastrophe again and again until there's no way in hell we can imagine facing our fear and getting on the plane.

THAT is the deception, right there. The fear of fear itself. But without the stress hormones driving it, it would be powerless. We have to get our hands on the adrenaline spigot and we have to rewrite our flying script and we have to anchor our strategy as a new and solid habit, replacing the old, phobic habit. It takes time and it takes work and it takes a leap of faith, but if we are fortunate, we will start to see it working before we go to the airport. We'll experience an easing-up of the anticipatory anxiety, even if just for a few minutes (keep a journal!!) but with practice we'll reclaim more of our clarity and equanimity. The flight will still be a gate-crossing, but this time we'll be ready to start desensitizing rather than continuing to sensitize. And once we are graced with that wonderful feeling of success, even if there's just a small dollop of it, we're on our way to recovery. That's what all the folks here have experienced who are flying successfully.

I'll offer one more suggestion. Book the flight. Bite the bullet and do it, and make notes in your journal before and after. There are things we can do to trick the trickster, and making the commitment is one. Will it be scary? Yep. But it will help you get past the wallowing in the throes of indecision.

[Kimmar]

I completely and totally agree with what Aerobat Barb says! I kept a journal (and still do) about all of my flying experiences from the day I decided to take this on and "get over it!" LOL

I also agree wholeheartedly that the "revelation" about what causes your fear of flying may not come *before* you get over your fear, but more *during* that time.

I discovered my "silly brain" quite a while after I started, after a few flights and much reflection and many AA reducing techniques later!

Book the flight and get started! It's not going to get any easier til you "just do it" as the famous sports ad says. Once you've booked the flight you'll be *highly* motivated to find your own personal arsenol of AA reducing techniques.

Go ahead, the worst that can (realistically) happen is that you'll lose your fear of flying!

[ClippedWings]

I do really appreciate the support. I should note that for my previous trips across the pond I visited the site often in lurker mode. But after learning that perhaps the brute force approach wasn't good enough it seemed that posting is the next step in the process. Funny, I used to think "what's the point of getting help" and if it was my fate to be in an accident I'd be just as dead anxiety or not. Kimmar, I actually must confess I went back to read hw you overcame your fears and I must say it's quite amazing.

Aerobat, you might be onto something about the triggering event, I don't exactly remember but I'm pretty sure that my bad experience with the return happened after 9/11, but only by a couple of months. Also, while right now my primary concern for the international flight seems to be about security, it's not like I'm in a rush to jump on a domestic flight either. I think I am just dwelling on whatever I perceive to be the biggest risk for the particular destination. I hope that I'm not too far from finding the key because I do have fleeting moments where I can convince myself to "just stop worrying."

I must admit that I found the post/blog from scottr on his Virgin flight completely fascinating. I think one part of the fear is from being isloated while in the air, and my guess is that having the internet helps a great deal to remove some of that feeling of isolation. I hope more airlines roll that out, in a safe manner of course. :)

Some other notes for those who take interest, all of my siblings have FOF, and in fact I'm the only one out of all who's managed to step on a plane. Maybe it's hereditary, or maybe at a young age I was programmed with bad thoughts from my older siblings.

One final thing I must say, I am guilty as ever when it comes to studying past air disasters. I know I need to stop this habit, but in the meantime I must say I do get angry sometimes with some of the accidents. Now I do understand that in most cases it's an unpredictable sequence of events that causes an accident, but then again there seem to be plenty of cases where perhaps something could have been done to prevent the accident. Now I know we don't know for sure the cause of the Air France accident, but it seems to me that if they had just bit the bullet and replaced the speed sensors before allowing the planes to fly that perhaps it could have been averted.

[Barb-SAN]

One final thing I must say, I am guilty as ever when it comes to studying past air disasters. I know I need to stop this habit, but in the meantime I must say I do get angry sometimes with some of the accidents. Now I do understand that in most cases it's an unpredictable sequence of events that causes an accident, but then again there seem to be plenty of cases where perhaps something could have been done to prevent the accident. Now I know we don't know for sure the cause of the Air France accident, but it seems to me that if they had just bit the bullet and replaced the speed sensors before allowing the planes to fly that perhaps it could have been averted.
http://www.takingflight.us/forums/showthread.php?t=9231

[Kimmar]

STOP FEEDING THE FEAR MONSTER!! (Yes, I am yelling...)

Put a complete and total ban on watching anything even remotely close to airplane accidents. Your mind is in no way ready to deal with that. It's soooooo far out of whack with reality right now there's no way that you can put this in perspective and make it of any kind of real value to you.

Things happen. Life if like that. We have to learn to live with that little fact and we do it all the time. We don't hesitate to cross the road, or drive the car, or any number of other things that are much less safe than flying, but we are thinking clearly and understand how the benefits outweigh the risks we are taking. We are *living* our life.

When it comes to flying there may (will) come a day when you will be able to watch these things with a clear perspective, and be able to place these things into the "extremely rare occurance" category, and be able to fly in spite of them. I didn't think about Air France even once the last time I flew. Why? (Not because I'm ignoring the media about it, although I don't tend to watch this stuff anymore) because I *know* that it's soooooo rare, and so unlikely as it will probably never be repeated again, in my lifetime, and perhaps even longer. That's the nature of aviation safety these days. Each incident is completely independent of other accidents before it, and the circumstances are completely unique.

I've come to learn that the media does not report the "facts" at all, but reports what they *think* might be the facts, and hopes that they will be born out later. But if not, "Oh well..." Pay attention to the *tone* of any "disaster breaking news" and you'll see they specialize in *creating* fear. I've pretty much given up on getting my facts from them, especially about something as sensitive (to me) and unique as a plane accident. I'm willing now to wait until the investigations are all done and the *real* facts come out. (But usually by then I've forgotten all about that accident and have moved on with my life...LOL)

Anyway, all that to say TOTAL BAN ON AIR DISASTERS until you are *completely* recovered. You wouldn't give a glass of wine to a recovering alcoholic now would you? You don't FEED their monsters, so don't feed yours either. If it comes on TV turn the channel. If others start talking about it, walk away, find something else to do, change the conversation, but move on to more positive things.

And thank you for your nice compliment on my recovery. It hasn't been easy, but I can say for certain it has most certainly been worth all the hard work, and you know what? This time next year it can be *your* story too!