FOF and Loss

[anappleofdiscord]

Hello all,
I am new to this site and wanted to introduced myself. My name is Jenny, I am a sociology graduate student in Vegas, and I am desperate for ways to stop my fof.
The fear arose a little more than a year ago, directly in correlation with the emotional loss of my mother (we stopped speaking because of "lifestyle" differences- essentially, she doesn't like mine).
I dream about awful flying situations pretty much every night. Last night, for example, I dreamed I stood up to look out of the window in a plane and I threw the plane of balance and we started flying out of control. Of course I woke up screaming.
I have flown once in the past few months and was such a wreck before boarding that the pilot had to sit down with me and chat. I was crying and shaking.
I don't know what to do.
Here in Vegas, I live right next to the airport- I am witness to hundreds of landing planes A DAY, and each time I am aware that there is a plane above me, my heart races and I cannot help but watch for the duration of the landing.
This fear is actually starting to take a mental toll on me. I'm worried that I will never sleep again!
Help!

[AZ_to_AU]

Hi "apple",

First of all :welcome:
And second of all, glad you found us!

Really sorry to hear about your mum, and know that having not settled things between the two of you can surmount to awful dreams or finding blame or fault in other things which more or less, help you to ignore the real problem... your mum.

At least you are aware of that which is good. Have you tried talking to a therapist about how you're feeling and the loss of your mum?

And what are your particular concerns with flying? Is it a control issue, height, turbulence?

I'm good at cuddles but not much good with words so we'll see what others have to say.

Grab a cuppa, have a seat and talk to us!

:hug:

[aerobat]

Hi, Jenny! :welcome:

Can you tell us about your experiences with flying prior to the falling-out with your mother? Have you flown often? Done any intercontinental flights? Have you been completely comfortable in the past or has there been foreshadowing of your present fear?

If you have been at all uncomfortable in the past, it will help us--and you--if you list the things about flying that bothered you most (before the mom business). Maybe it's that you are now aware of how much control you have relinquished in the past when flying, and suddenly (because your mom's support has been withdrawn) you aren't so willing to give it up?

Was it helpful to talk with the pilot before your last flight? Were you able to hold onto anything from that conversation? Building trust in the pilots is an important step; we have to trust them because we can't fly the thing (I can't either and I am a pilot ;)).

It's not uncommon for FoF to pop up as a segue from a loss, or a major emotional upheaval, but I don't think that means the recovery from the fear has to be as gnarly and complicated as the emotional turmoil that set it off. We just have to untie them somehow. Easier said than done, but still doable.

Please check out our favorite anxiety site:
www.anxieties.com (http://www.anxieties.com) and see what you can learn there about anxiety, FoF, and counterphobic trickery. And ask questions.

Thanks for joining us.
I am also very sorry that your mom is not accepting of who you are. :( But you have every right to be who you are, and to be a comfortable air traveler also.

I think we can help. :)

[anappleofdiscord]

You guys are great!! :sunshine:

I have actually flow quite a bit in my life. I have lived across seas twice, never once thinking much about the flight. It is only recently that I find myself ready to swear off the whole process.
What gets me most is taking off. I keep thinking to myself, "We're not getting high enough...we're sinking...something must be happening." Then in flight, especially during turbulence, I worry that the pilots don't have the plane under control, I think about their palms sweating, and I start to feel generally claustrophobic. I especially HATE flying frontier where the screen in front of me tells me how high we are!! And then if I try to dim the screen, often times it won't dim, and I convince myself that if this tiny part of the plane is malfunctioning, there MUST be several things that have been overlooked!
I also hate when the plane turns. I hate when the wing seems to be pointing at the ground. I am afraid that the plane will fall out of sync with the physics involved in keeping it up... like, I am afraid that when the wing is pointed at the ground, it will cut the air differently or something.
This all sounds so irrational! And I'm a PhD student, for goodness sake!!
I'm also obsessed with the thought of how people would react in a scary situation. I'm afraid they would all just riot and scare each other more.
Speaking to the pilot helped me a great deal. However, I was still abnormally tense at take- off.
Thank you so much for your warm welcomes :):)
I will read the article you've suggested and can't tell you how happy I am to know you both!! It feels so nice to just talk about this in a forum that doesn't make me feel crazy!!!

[Barb-SAN]

Hi "Apple"! I too would like to welcome you to Taking Flight! Please feel free to browse through the archives, as you will find many others who express some of those same fears.

You might especially enjoy this thread over in Hangar Talk http://www.takingflight.us/forums/showthread.php?p=80109#post80109 . Kimmar has just started Ground School for private pilot. I too have done this, and as a student, it might be helpful for you as well. If you are really short on time, there are websites that can explain the basics of how planes fly (just do a Google search). Here's one: http://science.howstuffworks.com/airplane1.htm

I'm sorry too to hear about your falling out with your Mom. It can be part of the process of establishing a separate identity, and it doesn't always go smoothly. Perhaps with time things will improve.
It might be helpful to find a mom-substitute & emotional support person there where you live, perhaps an older female mentor, friend, neighbor, or a therapist?

[CAflyer]

I noticed the same thing, when I have issues or stresses in my life I have more plane crash or scary plane trip dreams. Obviously this issue with your mother is a huge unresolved issue in your life and hopefully you can speak with a therapist about that and maybe that will also help with your thoughts on flying. I am sure with this distance with your mother you feel more a lone and this can make you feel more alone and scared when flying. I think talking with someone professional about your feelings with help resolve some of the issues with flying.

[anappleofdiscord]

Well, I have an appointment next week to talk to a therapist. I think I need a prescription for Valium for my next flight. My concern, though, is that I'm not getting to the root of this fear.
I mean, what have you all found helpful? I know that as soon as I get to the airport, I'm going to start freaking out. I hate the noises planes make... I hate everything.
Do you find yourself terrified ever? I mean, I know the stats and I know how safe flying is, but I cannot shake the idea of being THAT PERSON...that person that dies in a plane accident. Maybe I need to know more about the physics of flying? Do you have suggestions for further reading? (and I've read all the links you guys have given me...about three million times!)
I want to know if there's a possibility that turbulence can just completely topple a plane. I mean, even if it did cause the plane to spin on its side or something, what is the likelyhood that the pilot can recover?
Also, I've discovered another lament about Frontier Airlines... When we are in our final decent, the flight attendant comes over the speaker and says, "Ok, folks, we're going to need your assistance... "
And then it seems like there is this pause that lasts FOREVER! And, of course, they then say, "Please put up your tray table, etc etc"
But I ALWAYS convince myself that they are going to say something about needing our assistance in crash landing.
Geeze...I'm nuts! Well, just some thoughts. Like I said, my little tirades are just a way of getting my fears out there on the table. I swear, you are all my new best friends! I can tell this is helping me.:):)

[Barb-SAN]

Do you have suggestions for further reading? (and I've read all the links you guys have given me...about three million times!)
Have you clicked on "Resources" at the top of this page? There's about a year's worth of reading there... ;) http://www.takingflight.us/flying-fear-resources.php
Glad to hear that you've got an appointment with a therapist next week. Hopefully that will speed up the entire process. :thumbsup:

[navel_gazer]

Hi Apple!

I think I have some similarities with you, in that my FOF started during grad school, and when I felt loss--in my case, moving away from home and family. I also feel like I'm going to be "the one," the unlucky person who is in a crash.
And plane dreams--which I have had a lot of--are supposedly symbolic of worries/concerns about career issues. Whether or not you are into dream meanings, I've found for me that when I am stressed about work (or grad school), I start having plane dreams again.

Knowing that tons of other people feel the same way kind of makes it hard for me to keep with the "I'm the one" argument. It also helps to have a supportive audience of people who understand what FOF is really like, and who won't minimize it.

I like to remind myself, when I start getting nervous and worrying about flying, that I am not my thoughts, and my thoughts don't control the universe. So I just try to accept them for what they are (worries, and often irrational ones), and choose to move on. So even if I find myself worrying about a crash, that doesn't mean I have to keep worrying, or that I'm "predicting" the future somehow.

Good luck starting the process! This is really the best place to get help and support.

[aerobat]

Hi, Jenny,

I would like to emphasize a couple of things.
The other people in this thread (me, too) used to be terrified, and grounded.

Not any more.

What happens in that process (which often feels like magic) is that we learn to let go of that entire negative paradigm about flying, and replace it with another one which makes it possible--even easy, with practice--to fly comfortably.

In the midst of this, there is that fear that our plane will be THE ONE to go down. It is that fear which grounded us in the first place, and in the process of recovery, we can be assailed with the threat that the choices we make to recover are in fact a trap--a set-up for catastrophic failure.

But that threat is a lie.
A neurochemical lie, in fact.

There is a point on the path where one has to make a leap--or leaps--of faith. But they are not as difficult as they seem from a distance. They are not easy, but they are absolutely doable.

I often suggest to people that they consider other times in their lives when they have had to find courage, and to take a step forward with trepidation--being scared and doing it anyway.

That past experience can be used as a model for this process.

We cannot ever have a hundred-percent guarantee--about anything. Don't you drive on the freeway without that guarantee? Just because flying has become especially charged for you does not mean you cannot learn to dissipate the charge. Once you do, the need for absolute certainty will fade, and you can again fly comfortably and accept the odds.

The difference between before and after involves a loss of innocence, and a replacement of that by an eyes-wide-open acceptance of a very small risk.

We did it and you can too. :)

[Getb0rn]

Jenny welcome, you have come to the right place to aid you with your fear! Everyone here is amazing, they helped me 'take flight' again after being grounded for 5 years and since then i have flown to USA and back to AUS!!

I also live right next to an airport, although its about 1/8 as busy as LA is. I live in Perth and I can see planes taking off and landing I even hear them over my house when I go to bed.

After my really bad flight I used to hide under my bed when planes flew over convinced I was going to die because it would fall into my house... except none have. I understand the irrational fear I used to lie awake listening to every take off and every landing worring I would hear the worst. Things is you don't and the likelyhood that you ever will have something go wrong is so tiny. I just started to think to myself that I shouldn't let something with such a tiny possiblity control my whole life.

It was seriously hard and I do often watch planes land with that awful fear again (espcially when its windy!) but they all land ok.

Educate yourself. Thats the best thing you could do. I did the math and in for every 1.2 million flights that leave Perth only 10 have had serious incidents (reported through the authorities) and even then no one has died! Just research LA aiport and find out what safety measures they have set up ino order to prevent and deal with such an event....

enough of me babbling on..... I hope I helped