The time has come

[ChiefAtHeart]

The time has come for me to make a decision about how to get to my family in KC for Thanksgiving. I said I was going to try to fly since it was out of thunderstorm season :thundercloud . BUT now that it is time to bring it up to my husband and actually book the flight....well, I just keep putting it off. If I keep waiting, I won't have a choice because all the flights will be booked up! But I still just can't seem to commit myself to doing it. The last time I flew was at Christmas and it wasn't a bad flight. I just keep remembering that one flight that WAS bad :shocked . I think I'm afraid that the next time I have a bad flight, I'll NEVER try it again. :nono

[Disney fan]

Hi Chief,

The thoughts of the last bad flight are what causes a lot of pre-flight anxiety.

I had a few bad flights over the Atlantic last November, we are going again this November and my worries are will it be just as bumpy as last year!

Remember though how many uneventful flights happen every day. Book your flight and get the support from the group.

Lynda:ukflag

[Expatbrit]

Lynda,
I think you need to make that little guy with the UK flag your avatar :)

[Passenger Mark]

Hey Chief,

I understand completely how you feel. I use to agonize over booking a flight. I would bring all the schedules up on the web, and just stare at them.

Then... I just did it! I just booked that first flight in December. Then I did not think much about it till the flight was closer...and well... if you read my Christmas Trip Report you know the rest of the story.

However, after I finally took that December flight, I made my mind up that I was not going to let any grass grow under my feet.

I remember one day in January when I decided to go to all the places I had always wanted to go. I checked my budget, spoke with friends and family, work schedule etc. I sat down and booked four (4) flights AT ONCE!

Two to Las Vegas, one to Salt Lake, and one to England. I just DID it. Printed up all the confirmations etc and placed them in a folder.

That feeling, that day, was one of freedom, I was able to do what was so easy for others to do.

This is the way I looked at it. There are two choices... One you are going to fly, or you are NEVER going to fly again. For me I knew I had to fly again, so why not start now.

Putting it off does nothing. It does not make it better, in fact I think it makes it worse.

I had put off, and put off, and put off... and it was not getting any better, the more I put off, the worse it got, the harder it was for me to imagine myself on a plane. I was waiting for that "perfect" feeling in myself to book and take that flight. But that "perfect" feeling never came... until... I actually ended up going.

I guess the closest I came to that "perfect feeling" was AFTER I took those flights in December, and sat down at my computer and booked those 4 flights.

The title of your post is very good... "The time has come", and you are correct... it is time to book those flights. Believe me you and your family will be much much safer aboard a modern airliner, than you will be on the highways during Thanksgiving!

If you need help, want to discuss your concerns... then post here... but set a goal for yourself to book those tickets!

You can do it!

Mark

[WillFlyToDisney2]

The anticipatory anxiety is the WORST part. You will really feel a burden lifted off of your shoulders once you book (mine comes after my brief feeling of "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???"). Once you book you will be able to relax a bit.

Good luck! Just think of all the TURKEY you will get to eat in KC.

Kelley

[xiknal]

Hi, Chief!

You may know that the memory of a bad flight is a common source of FoF. Here's a link that discusses that phenomenon.

www.anxieties.com/index.p...ying-begin (http://www.anxieties.com/index.php?nic=flying-begin)

There's a lot of other helpful FoF info on that site too. Check it all out at your leisure.

Basically, a phobia is an avoidance strategy that keeps us from having to face fear and physical discomfort (the physical sensations of fear) that we experienced previously. Rationally, we may know that the future risk is not worth worrying about, and in fact, we may also know that we were in no real danger on the flight with the "trigger event". But reason alone doesn't shut down the feelings.

There are strategies for taking control of those feelings. Some have been mentioned here in other threads. You'll find versions of them on the above site, and we can help you sort through them and get started practicing them--just ask.

I agree completely with the suggestions above to go ahead and book the flight! It's a leap, yes, but you'll still be on the ground after you've done it! It's not a point of no return.

Pay attention (take notes!) to how you feel before booking vs. after. Many of us get some relief from taking this step. It's one decision we have now put behind us. Other decisions lie ahead, but you can face them one at a time! Be deliberate in doing so. The fear looks like a wall :banghead if you try to see too far ahead. But up close, you'll see individual bricks that you can wiggle loose and remove. This is one. :nod

Barb

[Disney fan]

Hi Janet,

Great idea, not sure how to do it, perhaps Chelle will help when she gets back:ukflag

[ChiefAtHeart]

Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement. I'm going to keep reading and re-reading all your posts until I get the courage to click on the "confirm these reservations button". I'm going to set a tentative goal of doing it by this weekend.

I certainly need all the help I can get. I, like Mark, keep waiting for a perfect time to fly. I moved here just over 5 years ago. For the first 3 years I flew back home at least five times a year with little or no problems. Then I was flying to Florida at night in June 2002 and flew through a thunderstorm. I don't know how close we got to it but it was very turbulent. The plane was rolling back and forth and bouncing up and down. The pilot made an announcement for the flight attendants to get in their seats NOW! There was an edge of panic to his voice that I had never heard before so I though "Wow, this must be really bad!". We got to Florida and had to fly back just over a day later. I got back on that plane and flew. But each time I flew after that horrible flight, my fear worsened instead of getting better. You'd think the farther away I got from it, the better it would be.

After flying at Christmas last year, I decided I needed a break from putting my body through all the stress of flying. I've been "home" twice this year and drove (with my husband) both times. I really didn't mind the drive (it was 8 hours) although my husband would much rather fly. And I don't want to get to the point were I absolutely can't fly. Not only do I NEED to be able to get home to see my family, but there are places I would like to travel to for leisure. So, here I am....looking for help.

Barb, I went to that site you posted in your reply. I definitely fit the description of the first one and a little of the second one. When I hear of a plane crash or problems I just keep thinking of the horror those people must have felt.

[YankssRule]

I know how you feel Chief..I had a bad flight and can't get it out of my mind either. Haven't flown since. Hang in there girl, I have confidence that you can/will do this. Be strong :macho

Lynda - that wasn't me that posted about putting :ukflag as your icon...that was xp..LOL..but it is definitely a good idea.
Wonder why, sometimes, my icon doesn't show :nono . Wonder why when I post it takes a hundred years for all the "emoticons" to show up :wired

Janet :coffee

[xiknal]

Chief,

Your "trigger event" sounds just like mine--that is, the one that pushed me over the edge from flying uncomfortably (but never cancelling) to avoiding flying as much as possible, and thereafter cancelling often to get relief from the anticipatory anxiety. My bad weather/moderate turb event happened in 1971 on a flight from Seattle to DC in preparation for going into the Peace Corps (it was a final selection interview). We diverted (due to t-storms) from DC to what was then Friendship Airport in Baltimore (now BWI), and nobody explained anything to us pax.

:thundercloud :thundercloud :thundercloud :thundercloud :airplane


I was already an uncomfy flyer and now I felt that death was imminent. The flight back to Seattle was turby and in close proximity to thunderbumpers, too :pray , and was scary for me (though I now know I was in no danger on either of those flights). So...when it came time to make the trip from Seattle to Belize (my Peace Corps assignment) a couple of months later, I flew to St. Louis (and family) quite scared, then refused to fly on to DC. Couldn't do it. :cower I took the train. I took the train from DC to Miami, too, where I *had* to fly to get to Belize. It was a relief--and absolute necessity--to make that flight, and even though I felt OK once we were at cruise, that flight (its arrival, that is :hail ) set me up for the next backslide move: I started cancelling all the time. I refused the Peace Corps' annual free roundtrip tix back to Seattle or St. Louis, and so reinforced the feelings of relief that come with cancelling. Eventually I ended up with a 13-year period of no flying at all. That's another story. :lonely

Where you are right now has such a ring of familiarity! I wish I knew back then what I know now!! The difference between you (now) and me (then) is that you are tapping into a network of knowledge and support. Me, I knew zippo!!

This makes so much difference!! :jump

I like your decision to set booking the flights as a goal for the weekend. Try in the meantime to get a handle on your fear using some of the methods described on the anxieties.com site. The ones I like are a combo of thought-stopping, postponement, and worry-time (what Monica calls "the appointment"). Reward yourself for booking with dining out and a movie or a nice gift for yourself! :cheers And make notes about how it feels to go ahead with the decision--these notes can help later when you forget that it felt OK, even good.

Go to the 'ask Captain Ray' section and post about that scary flight--whatever you remember about the weather. Let Ray's reassurance help to detox it for you and show you you were not in danger. And don't feel sheepish that you became frightened when not truly in danger--lots of people do that in the absence of knowledge and experience. Not our fault. :nono

The 'NOW' that you heard on the intercom probably was not tinged with panic, but the pilots knew that the FAs needed to be strapped in to avoid being knocked around. The plane was in no danger. The main danger with significant turb is people being thrown off-balance and getting hurt.:thud

I just went through a 5-minute window of this stuff recently on my flight to BWI, as the pilots weaved between thunderstorms on the edge of tropical storm Ivan. I could see the big anvil-topped bumpers out there, but I knew just what they were doing, and they announced it, too. It was very turby--that surge-drop-roll kind that nobody likes--but I was very much OK with it. When one is relaxed, it's a lot easier to just ride with it. It's like horseback riding, when you learn to relax and be a part of the horse, so to speak (which part I will not say! :blush ).

As for the other component--identifying absolutely with plane crash victims--I did that too, to the max. :eek Many of us do, and it's a very human response. But we have to get it into perspective emotionally, by getting control of the runamuck feelings and visualizing all the millions of people who get there safely. Those are the folks we should identify with most. :nod

I hope this helps a bit.



Barb

[Passenger Mark]

Chief,

You wrote...

There was an edge of panic to his voice that I had never heard before

Now I was not there, but I bet a bunch that he was not panicked over the plane, or crashing, or anything like that. He was most likely concerned about his crew being up and about. He knew that they could get hurt.

If you are seated, with the seat belt on, turbulence can't hurt you.

On my flight to England a similar thing happened when they were up serving a meal. We were cruising along just fine, then we encountered turbulence, the plane wiggled around quite a bit, and the Pilot turned on the seat belt light, and came on and said EVERYBODY IN THEIR SEATS. And he sounded like he meant it! But the plane was fine, they just don't want anyone getting hurt from... what I call... "Excessive Jiggling" :wired !

Now... for your flight coming up... the key is to understand and accept that you might encounter turbulence. But now you know that it can't hurt you. I PROMISE... if you are in your seat, with your seat-belt on... you will not get hurt.

Will it make you uncomfortable? Sure... Will it be annoying? absolutely! But you will land and be just fine.

What you may be wanting is a guarantee of some sort that IF you hit that confirm button and purchase the tickets, that there will not be a similar encounter. There is no such guarantee. But what is in your favor is that no matter what, you will be fine.

Knowing this helps in purchasing the ticket, boarding the plane, and taking the flight.

Everyday we hear about and/or see car accidents. However we jump in our cars fully aware that these things happen, and drive off without giving it much thought.

Do the same with flying.

One of the best flights I have had was also the most turbulent. Sounds odd... but this is what happened. It was from Ontario to Salt Lake City.

The Captain actually told me that if I had a problem with flying, that this may not be the flight to be on. He went on to say that they had just flown down from Salt Lake, and it was bumpy... not just a bit bumpy, but at times very bumpy. He and I compared his definition of "very bumpy" and mine. I really wanted to go. The option was to take the next day's flight... and there was no guarantee that it would be better.

So, I went... knowing that it was going to be bumpy... not maybe... not could be... but was. And guess what? He was telling the truth... it was bumpy! BUT... I did fine... no problems! In looking back I decided that I did so well because I planned on it being bumpy... AND ACCEPTED IT!

So now on my flights I do the same thing. I PLAN that there will be turbulence, and that way when it does show up... I am not surprised. And if it is a smooth flight... then I am pleasantly surprised!

So put that flight to Florida behind you, realize that it is a new day, book that flight knowing and accepting that no matter what happens you will be fine!

Sorry to be so long... just have been there!

Mark

[beaugest]

Lots of good advice here(as usual). Just to add a little. Try turning around how you're talking to yourself here. It's so easy for us to just let all the possible negative thoughts build and that's all we focus on. So, we focus on how scared we are and not on the rewards that are possible. There's a reason you're flying. Try replacing the scary thoughts with some good ones. T Picture yourself getting off the plane(with that big smile on your face).
Book the flight when you're ready and we'll be right here supporting you...

[ChiefAtHeart]

Well, I took the first step. I talked to my husband last night. Today I'm going to print out the schedule of flights from Southwest and see if any of the flights left available will work for us. I'm not booking yet...but I'm getting closer....taking baby steps.

I guess I'm having so much trouble booking the flight because if I book it I will feel like I absolutely have to get on that plane. To cancel would mean embarassment in front of my family and not being able to be there for the holiday. So far, I've never cancelled a flight although I came very close once. We were in KC and going to rent a car and drive home. But a couple of hours before the plane took off I decided to go ahead and fly.

Yes! I would very much like a guarantee of an uneventful flight please! I know that everyone says that turbulence is not a problem for the plane, but I can't really understand WHY it is not a problem. I'm afraid all that bumping around stresses the metal and then an important part might fall off! I also hate the feeling of turbulence. It makes me sick to my stomach and I feel all out of control. I take Dramamine which definitely helps, but that is also why I hesitate to take Ativan or something similar. I don't know how they will work together. Most of the time I read during flight. If I get engrossed in a good book, I hardly even notice the time passing unless we hit turbulence. Then I try even harder to concentrate on the book. I hide my fears well. Anyone around me would never guess I was about to explode on the inside. Well, except for my death grip on the armrest!

I think I can get in a car and drive everyday because then I believe I am in control. I know how my car has been maintained. I know the extent of my driving abilities. Having to trust maintenance workers and people I have never even met is a big thing for me.

One thing is for sure, I'm glad I have this forum and people who can understand what I am going through! :grouphug

[Passenger Mark]

Hooray for baby steps!!:spot

Any step forward is the right direction.

Ok... You put up some new stuff, so lets take a look at it:

I'm afraid all that bumping around stresses the metal and then an important part might fall off!

Not going to happen. These planes are built tough. You are thinking of your car, where constant pot holes etc can cause a failure. The aircraft that you will be on has been built, tested, re-tested, and then tested some more to take stress that YOU will never ever see. Go to the Boeing website and there is a section there about it. But most of all understand that turbulence is NOT going to cause a problem for the plane. Turbulences is nothing more that rough water on a sea of air.

I hesitate to take Ativan or something similar. I don't know how they will work together.

Time to give your Doctor a call and ask. Find out from him/her, then you will know for sure.

I know how my car has been maintained.

And you can bet that plane has been maintained BETTER than your car. Do most folks walk around there car and check it out on each and EVERY trip, small or big?

Understand that EVERY mechanic that touches that plane has his/her name on a log. They are responsible, and there can be criminal prosecution if anything were to happen.

Finally... if you can't trust the mechanics, trust the pilots. They have family and loved ones just like you and I. They are not going to put themselves in danger.

This is good, you are identifying your concerns, and now you can start answering them.

And congrats on printing out the flights! Keep up the good work!

Mark

[spleisher]

Just to give you a little more reason to go ahead and book... I don't mean this to give you an "out", but there's really nothing to lose if you book with Southwest. I know I'm sounding like a free commericial for the airline, but it's one of the reasons I always fly with them. If you book with Southwest, and you find you cannot fly for whatever reason (in your case, fear) they'll hold your funds for a year. That's right, they won't mess with you like other airlines and charge you some sort of cancellation fee or re-booking fee. Could be just one of the many reasons Southwest is successful while others are not!

[xiknal]

ChiefAtHeart said:


I guess I'm having so much trouble booking the flight because if I book it I will feel like I absolutely have to get on that plane. To cancel would mean embarassment in front of my family and not being able to be there for the holiday. So far, I've never cancelled a flight although I came very close once. We were in KC and going to rent a car and drive home. But a couple of hours before the plane took off I decided to go ahead and fly.

I'll bet we can help you strategize about this, too. I was very artful at contriving back-door escapes so that if I did cancel, I had a plan that would allow me to drive (or take the bus, bleagh :blech ) and still make it to my destination in a more or less timely fashion. :blah

I see nothing amiss in devising an "out". This allows you to tippy-toe that much closer to the commitment to fly without being *absolutely* committed to *really* doing it!

In this case, though, it sounds like you will have to include your husband and perhaps other family in the detailed back-door plan. Can you book a flight with a departure time that--if you decide you cannot fly--you will still be able to jump in your car and drive to KC? :beep

Another (additional) thing you can do is show up on standby for a flight that leaves a couple of hours earlier than the one you have booked! :yawn Now, at that time of year the chances of getting a standby seat aren't good, but it's the trickery (your trickery of the phobia) that is the point here. That you were able on a previous occasion to make a last-minute decision to fly suggests that this sort of trick can work for you.

What Scott has said about SWA allowing you to cancel but holding your funds--this, too, will aid a "back door" plan because you won't be out any $ for cancelling.

In the meantime, between now and Thanksgiving, you have time to start working on your fear--adding to your reservoir of knowledge, selecting strategies for taking control of your runaway feelings, and practicing them. These are all smallish steps, but together, they make for a BIG step and can get you more ready to fly than you might be able to imagine!! :thumbsup

Barb

[noflyingfan]

Some people advise against giving yourself an out, because that way, it's so easy to run away from what's scaring you. But I think that having an out helps. It gives you control; makes you the one who gets to make the decision whether you go or not.

Go ahead and give yourself an out. Just don't take it. :)

[xiknal]

The "out" strategy was fundamental to my getting on that first flight (after 13 years), so I agree with you, Erika!

An "out" strategy should be designed so that the "out" is only available when one is just about to fly. This means that the anticipatory anxiety (often the worst aspect of the phobia) is pretty much behind you when the crossroads is reached, and all that remains is the flight itself! :run

[Passenger Mark]

Well... for me anyways...

I finally was able to go when I had no out. If I had a "out" planned, I usually took it. But... that is me and may not be true for everyone else.

I just can't plan an out. For me once I commit, I am on that plane! It has to be that way with my stubborn brain!

[xiknal]

Innies and Outies!! :lol

But in this case, I think there are two types, too. Those who will commit to flying and stand by that commitment, no matter how hard it is, and those who just cannot make such a big commitment, and have to tippy-toe up to the monster using every trick and subterfuge they can find.

Sounds like you are (were) one of the former and I am (was) one of the latter...though as far along as we both are, the out/no out issue is well behind us.

:tiphat

[noflyingfan]

Yeah, I think there are two types of people. It just depends on how much you trust yourself. I give myself an out, because I know that I won't take it.

[beaugest]

This is a perfect example of why it's important to know your personality in deciding what will work for you. Once you have some insight into what will work for you then it gets easier to put together a plan. I also like the idea of having an escape route.:fly
However, each time I do something thats a bit tough for me I reassess the situation. So, how I handle flying a short flight can totally differ from a long flight. Or flying in the winter can differ from flying in the summer. I just sit down,figure out what makes me crazy(like the professional lingo here?) and then work out a plan. And I always have a plan B.
I think where it's easy to get into trouble is to think if what worked for someone else doesn't work for you ---you're in really bad shape. Or when someone gets convinced that there's only one right method.
:kneeslap
In case you are wondering the significance of that smiley---there is none. I couldn't figure out how to use him and couldn't resist using him.

[ChiefAtHeart]

Can you book a flight with a departure time that--if you decide you cannot fly--you will still be able to jump in your car and drive to KC?

The flight we would probably take is at 2 pm. At that point we could drive and still make it, but we sure would be tired when we got there. I probably wouldn't take the out and I know that about myself. So, I'm still feeling like I have to get on the plane if I book it. I couldn't really use the flight credits anyway because I know I would not be able to talk myself into trying flying again during spring or summer when :thundercloud are around.

I know I'm sounding like a free commericial for the airline, but it's one of the reasons I always fly with them.

I love Southwest too! Except for two charter vacations, I have flown only on Southwest for about 12 years now. I used to earn a free ticket every year with their rewards but then they put an end to the double flight credits :(

And congrats on printing out the flights! Keep up the good work!

Now, I'm stalled out again! I printed out the flights, but have yet to show them to my husband. However, I gave myself until this weekend to do it so I still have some time.

How much checking of their aircraft do pilots do? I couldn't imagine they could see that much from way down there on the ground.

I think meeting the pilot of the airplane is a good idea. Do you usually ask to meet them at the main ticket counter or at the gate itself?

Thanks for being patient with me and answering all my questions.

[Disney fan]

I totally commit to the flight, I will get on come what may. I still have an out if I want it though lol I am not strapped in until the doors are closed.

never considered getting off the plane.


Lynda

[Passenger Mark]

Hey Chief...

How much do they check... well enough that they feel right about putting themselves on there!

For me... the thought that the person flying the machine is in the same boat as me helps a great deal. I know that they are not going to take chances with their life, and their family's future.

That is where meeting the pilot is important...

As for when... get there early, and let them know at the check-in counter that you are a anxious flyer. Tell them that you are a member of this board, and that you have seen it written several times that it is good to meet the pilots. They will make it happen. If you can, get the name of who is going to be in charge of your gate.

When you get to the gate, check-in with that person, and let them know you are there. Don't wander off, as you need to be ready, when they are ready for you to go meet the pilot.

But get to the airport, and your gate early. So you give them plenty of time to help you.

As for stalling out... that is ok. Just crank back up again! You can do this!

Mark

[beaugest]

You might want to ask the question about how much the plane is checked to Ray at his Ask the Captain(or whatever it's called). But Mark's point is well taken. Remember, they have families they want to get home to. They are not going to skimp on safety.
I remembering reading about this though and was so reassured at how many checks and balances there are.
I think you should feel free to just keep posting your concerns and getting them answered. That's what will get you on the plane.
Monica

[Passenger Mark]

Chief... How are you doing???

[ChiefAtHeart]

Thanks for asking! I wish I could say I was doing great, but I still am having trouble. I talked with my husband about it again last night and he said whether we drive or fly is my choice. I keep thinking that flying will not save us much time anyway since total time to get from my front door to my hometown is about 6 hours (with driving to the arport, getting there early, flight time, renting a car and then driving the hour to my hometown from the airport) and driving is only 8. Driving is also less expensive. So, you can see I'm coming up with all these reasons to drive rather than fly. And they are valid reasons. However, part of me wants to fly just to reassure myself that I can still do it. So, I woke up several times last night debating the issue. I'm losing sleep already. I can only imagine what I will be like as the time gets closer!

Looking forward to chat tonight! :happyguy

Jen

[xiknal]

Hi, Chief,

You might look at it this way:

Anything you can do to assume control of the decision is empowering. Now that you have weighed the options and realized that flying is not so advantageous (it saves you two hours)...of course it's tempting to just put flying on the back burner and drive.

So...what is keeping the decision on the front burner? You said it, of course; I just wanted to highlight it. You WANT to fly--for one very good reason (and there are others, perhaps, plus the two hours saved each way). So, try to remember that you want to fly, and pat yourself on the back for that and encourage yourself. :tiphat You might want to ask whether you have more confidence this time about flying than last time, and explore what has made the difference.

It's all about baby steps--at least for a time, as Mark said. At some point we realize those baby steps have added up to a big one.

Barb :kneeslap