Advice Sought...

[noflyingfan]

Alright, I have a question and need some impartial people to tell me what they think. (This means you guys).

So, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. I don't want or need to go into details about the breakup; we just have totally different goals in life and just aren't right for each other, and we've known this for a long time.

So...the first day was really hard, especially because we live together and he's got to get his stuff together to leave, which takes a little time. But since then, we've been fine with each other -- absolutely no awkwardness, no uncomfortable silence, nothing like that. It's just like we're friends, which is all we should be.

But my well-meaning friends and family who have called to ask if I'm okay all seem to think there's something really wrong when I answer the phone and I'm not crying. And they're actually kind of making me feel guilty for not being more upset. They don't seem to think I'm telling the truth when I say things weren't right for a long time. I don't think it's their business to go into why, but I don't know how to say, "hey, things are fine" and have them believe me.

How am I supposed to deal with this?

[WillFlyToDisney]

Erika,

Everyone deals with things differently and no one should be telling you how you should act. As long as you aren't internalizing and burying anger or bitterness that will explode later on, then dont worry about it. The fact that you have known "for a long time" that things weren't right gave you a long time to get used to the idea (at least subliminally) that you were going to end up apart.

As long as you are at peace with your decision then tell the others to go shove it. :)

Kelley

[noflyingfan]

Thanks, both of you. I was so annoyed yesterday after getting a couple of phone calls from well-meaning friends and family members. I can completely understand why they were surprised, because, while I did complain, I never said, "this is going to be the end."

And there are a few, like my mom, who is understandably concerned about me living alone in the big city now.

[Passenger Mark]

UGHHHHHHHH

Well meaning friends and family! :fuming:

Look... If you are ok, or on the way to being ok that is all that matters. DO NOT allow anyone to put a guilt trip on you for not "feeling" a certain way!

I HATE THIS STUFF... "If you really felt this way or that way, then you would do this or that"... YIKES!!!! Get out of my face!!!!

I really dislike mushy stuff (can you tell) so when something happens, and a "well meaning friend or family" THINKS that it is bad, and they ask me how I FEEL... I know we are getting ready to go down the Let's talk about this highway!

This is a typical coversation that I have had with one of my more pushy "well meaning friends or family"

Q: Are you feeling ok?

A: Yeppers doing great!

Q: Are you sure??? I know it is tough

A: Yep, doing ok.

Q: Some people would have a hard time with this

A: I'm Ok, no problem, time to move on

Q: Well you can talk with me, you don't have to hide anything. Are you going to be ok

A: YES! :fuming:

Q: So you are feeling ok?

A: Hey... You know what??? I have to go... the cat is stuck in the toilet, and the dog is trying to pull her out by her tail! See ya, love ya, BYE!

Sorry... you have touched on one of my pet peeves!

Bottom line... you do and "FEEL" the way that works for you!

[WillFlyToDisney]

Hey that sounds like a conversation I have had recently! :rolleyes:

Erika - :hug: .

Kel

[noflyingfan]

It might have been just a teensy bit rude, but I finally told my dad today, "stop worrying about me, because I have enough to worry about without having to worry about you worrying about me."

[Falcon]

The fact that you don't feel upset shows it has run its course. Prehaps they are more upset because they invested some emotional capital in your relationship and feel sad for you. They prehaps need time to grieve your relationship even if you don't.

[noflyingfan]

I think it's true, there are people who were surprised and need to grieve.

There is one friend, however, who is deliberately trying to make me feel guilty. The reason is because she recently split with a guy who was horrible to her and she can't get past that, so she seems to think that I need to make myself miserable for awhile. While I understand and appreciate her concern for me, my relationship was nothing like hers, my breakup was nothing like hers, and frankly, I'm a little stronger than she is when it comes to this stuff.

But I guess all I can do is tell her over and over again that I'm fine.

[Daisy]

The other side of the coin is that a lot of people do hide their real feelings behind phrases such as ' im fine' etc... when in fact they are not fine. It is very difficult to know truely how someone feels. Unless its just a Uk thing. Stiff upper lip and all that.

Ive lost count of the number of people I have met that years after going through some sort of break up or trauma have broken down and admitted they found it hard but didnt like to worry anyone.

So for all of you that are annoyed by the comments - at least you have people that care about you! Dont forget that.

Daisy :)