Huey
01-30-2005, 03:38 AM
There are enough new people around these days to warrant posting this again.
1) Draw faces on airsick bags and stage a hand puppet rendition of Hamlet. Tear off just the head of one bag for use as the skull.
2) Lower your tray and pretend it has the controls to the airplane on it. Make sure to make engine noises as you "steer". Respond angrily when people interrupt you. Tell them to shaddup because you're busy flying.
3) Deflect your own air vent thingy at your neighbor. Adjust his air vent to point at you. Now switch. Repeat this every ten seconds or until sedated.
4) Everytime your neighbor turns his light on, reach up and turn his off, then turn your's on. You'd be surprised just how quickly you'll have the whole row to yourself.
5) As you walk back to the lavatory, activate every flight attendant call button you pass. This will get you special attention from the FA's, but hey! That's what they're there for, right? You deserve it!
6) Speak in a French accent until someone asks you if you are French, then switch to a German accent. Keep changing accents. A challenge: Try not to recycle only Eurpoean accents. Work in Australian, or Afrikaans, or Indian. Be multicultural.
7) Beverage cart jousting! I would recommend using rolled up Sky Mall magazines as lances.
8) Put on Groucho Marx glasses. Tell everyone you're in disguise and an agent on a secret mission to Pittsburgh. When asked why you are on a plane that isn't going to Pittsburgh, get angry at that person and pretend that your cover was just blown.
9) With your thumb and index finger, pretend to "squish" farm houses along your route.
10) This is particularly timely in this holiday season...Walk up and down the aisle telling every child you see that Santa Claus doesn't really exist, but that the Easter Bunny does, that he's rabid, and coming to the child's house soon.
11) Make those little steward shaped figures on the call buttons anatomically correct.
12) When little Johnny asks what you're doing when making those anatomical additions, explain the facts of life. Sometimes you'll really have to yell to be heard over little Johnny's mom's screaming.
13) The NY Times has allowed editorial commentary to creep off of the editorial pages and into the "hard news" stories. Discuss.
14) The works of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent tripe. No suggestion for an activity here; I just think Sontag is a pseudo-sophisticate with the cognitive ability of an umbrella stand who needs to shut her gob. Feel free to disagree, but you'd be wrong. :)
15) While your neighbor is sound asleep, pencil in a moustache on him (or her, for real laughs!). If his (or her's!) is already present and dark enough to be noticeable, shave half of it off.
16) Read a good book. What? Not every suggestion is cause for a laugh. Sheesh. I'm just trying to get you to turn off your Game-boy and expand your horizons.
17) Turn on Game-boy. Narrow your horizons. Go on. Do it just to spite your friend, Huey.
18) Pretend to be a somewhat famous person, but not one someone easily recognizeable. For example, you could pretend to be on-air talent for Pax TV. The odds that you'll be sitting next to any of their 34 viewers is pretty low.
19) Stand up in the aisle and pretend you're surfing.
20) Organize a game of duck-duck-goose. Play even if they won't. Your odds of winning go way up!
21) Turn on your overhead light. Make shadow puppets.
22) Sing the entire score of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore. Round up the roses thrown by the other passengers at the conclusion of your performance.
23) Make an "enemies" list. If it was a good idea for Tricky ****, it's a good idea for you.
24) Seat goes back, seat comes up. Seat goes back, seat comes up. Seat goes back, seat comes up.
25) Carry a good luck charm with you. Make it an accordian. Play polkas. Hey! Everybody loves polkas! But don't be surprised if by the time you are at cruising altitude someone tries to push your head through your good luck charm. Better wear a helmet, too.
26) Hmmm, if I'd used letters instead of numbers to keep track of the "things to do" list, I could be finished by now. Oh well. On to 30.
27) Now would be a good time to compose your manifesto. It doesn't matter about what, just compose a manifesto. Make copies and pass it around. Hey, if that Harpo Marx guy can have his communist manifesto, you can have one about anything you want!
28) I tried reading Moby **** not long ago and couldn't get past page 257. I think Melville is truly overrated. Then I read Robinson Crusoe by Defoe, and THAT was a real adventure novel. Back to Melville....Overrated or not? And no, your opinion of the movie with Gregory Peck does not interest me. Only people who managed to get past page 256 need respond.
29) Two words: Parcheesi!
30) Try to spot all the people who ate a very gas producing meal prior to being in the reduced pressure of the airplane cabin. These people give themselves away by the side-to-side rocking motion that is characteristic of the "one cheek sneak" method of relief. Also common is the "lean forward and let 'er rip" method. People who lean forward usually pretend to have some other reason for leaning forward, but the look of relief on their face's gives them away.
31. Talk like a play-by-play or color commentator. Mimicking John Madden is always good for a laugh. And be sure to talk as though you need to be heard over 40,000 screaming fans. Here's a line to get you started: "Ya know, when this kid came outta high school, they told her she was too small to be a good flight attendant. Then BOOM! She started on the weights, and here she is with one of the best beverage passing arms in the league."
32. Pretend to know every feature on the ground and point each one out to your neighbor. "Oh look! There's Elm Street!. And that's Maple. OOOoooo! A Bob's Big Boy! And there's a Wal-Mart, and a Jiffy Lube, and a library....."
33. Go up to the first class lavatory and use up all the paper. That'll teach those elitists!
34. Take binoculars. Tell everyone you're helping the pilot keep a lookout for Mothra.
35. More fun with binoculars: Look for sunbathers!
36. Still more fun with binoculars: Flip them around so that they're backwards and everything looks really far away. Now look out the window. This may seem scary, but when you lower the binoculars, you don't feel like you're that high up anymore. I will caution you not to look through them correctly when you're close to the ground, as that can be misleading (and potentially alarming). "WHAT THE HELL! We're over Lake Superior! Oh, wait....It's a swimming pool."
37. "Hmmm, I wonder what Huey would like for Christmas....."
38. Draw hieroglyphics on the tray in front of you.
39. The Dow Jones Industrial Average hit 10,000 today, which means it is now safe for it to use approved electronic devices....
40. Take along an atlas. Tell people that Rand McNally hired you to double check things as you fly. When someone tries talking to you, slam the atlas shut and tell them that since you were interrupted, you have to start all over.
41) Hold a chili cook off! First one to the galley stove usually wins. (This will also increase the odds of passing time by other means....see #30 above)
42) Try to build a house of cards on the tray in front of you.
43) Okay, if you were to spit riiiiiiiight.....NOW!, where would it land? (Don't forget to account for wind.)
44) Conduct a cell phone patrol (a popular pastime on the Denver to Phoenix run.)
45) Burt & Ernie: A study in Sesame Street homoeroticism or just good friends? Discuss.
46) Start thinking about what to wear to the annual office Arbor Day party.
47) Take along a unicycle. Extra points if you can stay on during a climb or descent.
48) Write a fan letter to Ben Affleck. Don't worry if you're not a real fan...He's not really talented, so it works out.
49) The British typically enjoy their roast beef well done, rather than in the correct (rare or medium-rare) condition. This led to the radical contraction of the Empire, as more and more subjects rebelled at having their meat prepared this way. I mean, Ghandi dealt them a defeat, and he was a vegetarian...A VEGETARIAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Your thoughts?
50) Write a rambling letter to the editor of your local newspaper about something totally inane, yet pretend to be quite serious. Here's one to give you the idea: "Dear Editor, I believe that the "Deer X-ing" sign located at 55th Avenue and Bear Parkway should be moved. There are many deer that cross the road there and many traffic accidents are caused by this. I believe the sign should be moved so that the deer will cross someplace else. If the "Deer X-ing" sign were to be moved to the 4 way stop sign at 52nd Ave and Bear Parkway, the deer would have an already marked crosswalk to use. Thank you. Sincerely, Hubert J. Crackpot"
51) Using the "Airfone" and a list of the area codes for every region you pass over, (for a good time) call "867-5309", introduce yourself as "Tommy Tutone" and ask for Jenny. Sure, you'll rack up a few hundred in toll charges, but nothing is quite as fun as hearing 30 or 40 people swear at you for pulling the same prank that the local teens do every Halloween.
52) Go through the Sky Mall magazines and draw underarm hair and horns on all the models. Color in teeth, too.
53) Tell your neighbor that you're a law enforcement officer hot on the trail of the "Hand Dryer Vandal" and that you are on your way to pick him up. When asked who the "Hand Dryer Vandal" is, explain that he is the mysterious mastermind who travels the country changing: "1. Push button 2. Rub hands under warm air," to "1. Push butt--. 2. Rub hands under -arm air," on every hot air hand dryer installed in restrooms across the country. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is familiar with THIS deep thinker's work. Your neighbor might buy you a drink as a way of thanking you. He may think you're a looney and ask to be relocated. Either way, you win.
54) Whenever the plane banks, lean in the opposite direction in order to keep the plane balanced. Explain to your neighbor that the captain asked you to perform this vital function and that you got a voucher for a free ticket because you agreed to help. Laugh hysterically when your neighbor de-planes and tries to tell the gate agent that he was leaning, too, and is therefore entitled to compensation.
55) After your first hour or two in the air, walk up and down the aisle offering to sell nicotine lozenges to any of the smokers on board. They'll often pay big bucks for these.
56) Cramped? Neighbor infringing on your space? Try this little gem. "Hi! I'm (insert your name). What's your name? ... Pleased to meet you! What do you do? ... Oh, that's nice. Me? I'm with the Center for Disease Control. ... Why yes, it IS exciting, thank you. I just got through working on isolating a new virus. ... What's that? Oh, yes, VERY contagious, and an airborne virus. ... Well, I'm headed to (insert destination) to see a specialist. My boss thinks I might have been exposed since he noticed how often I needed to use the restroom and how long I was usually gone, and said I needed to get checked out. Do you have a kleenex handy? I feel a sneeze coming on." Once that seat is clear, stretch out for a nap.
57) This list started with 30, then increased incrementally to 40, then 50, and now it's up to 57. When it gets to 100, sell. Ha!
58) After your neighbor consumes his third beverage, start talking about Niagra Falls, scuba diving, or how your kitchen faucet runs all the time. Keep making water references. See how long it takes to make him have to use the lavatory. Try to improve your time from flight to flight. This can be even more fun when the seatbelt sign is on and he can't get up to go. (WARNING! This can backfire on you, so watch your liquid intake beforehand.) Oh, shoot. I'll be right back........As I was saying, be careful. It can backfire on you.
59) So, do you think that the flies that end up on board the airplane before the door shuts are surprised when the door opens at the airplane's destination, and they don't recognize anything?
60) Start singing the "99 bottles of beer on the wall" song, but increase your starting number in proportion to your flight time. Now, I timed it out to be about 10 seconds to sing each chorus, so for a 30 minute flight, you can get through 180 choruses, so "180 bottles of beer" is your starting point. Extrapolate out for longer flights. This is especially fun on trans-atlantic routes. Just think! In the 5 hours it takes to go from JFK to London Heathrow...1800 bottles of beer on the wall! I would advise against doing this on trans-pacific flights, as your fellow passengers will have killed you before you reach Guam.
61) Topic: Violent ground acquisition games, such as football and rugby, are actually a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war. Discuss.
62) For you those travelling with small children, now would be a great time to read a fairy tale to your kids. Try Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Explain to your kids that Snow White was being terribly repressed, as she was forced to barter her housekeeping and food preparation skills for room and board. Explain to them how Snow White's life would have improved dramatically had she been permitted to work in the gem mines as an equal, rather than subjugate herself to the patriarchal whims of a socialist mining collective.
63) Along those lines: travelling with your significant other? Try composing your own fairy tale together to pass the time. Use either an original idea, or modify an existing classic. HEY! Why not write Mistress Snow White and the Seven Dirty Dwarves? I'll help get you started: rename the dwarves Pokey, Proddy, Touchy, Feely, Pinky, Feathers, and Leather. Potential story line: Mistress White has turned the table on her diminutive captors. You take it from there. This is a 'G' rated list, after all.
64) Ask to take your seat cushion with you when you leave. Explain to the flight attendant that you plan on swimming on your trip, but forgot your little orange water waders and need some sort of floatation device.
65) At some point, turn to your neighbor and ask if he has any chewing gum. Tell him that your parole officer noticed that it calmed your nerves.
66) Wanna have fun with everybody on board? When the seatbelt sign goes off, walk up and down the aisle whistling or humming "Macarena" (whistling carries over the engine noise better). For the rest of the flight and for most of the next day, the 150 people you were flying with won't be able to get that insipid tune out of their heads.
67) If you happen to be travelling with someone, play some gin rummy, but have fun with this twist. Pick up every one of their discards. You will run out of fresh cards in a few turns and will begin feeding back to them the same cards they've already gotten rid of. Plus they think you are collecting everything they throw, so you'll eventually make them afraid to throw anything. The point is not to win; the point is to have fun driving them nuts. I have tried this one on my kid brother, and it works.
68) Lay back and imagine what Michaelangelo would have been able to do with the cabin ceiling.
69) Pretend you're on a submarine. Turn your hat around and pretend you're sighting a Nazi warship in your periscope! I would caution against yelling "FIRE ONE!" at the top of your lungs. I guess the solution is to pretend to be in a Kriegsmarine U-boat. You can yell "TORPEDO LOS!!" without too many problems! (It has a long 'o' sound, like low, and the 's' sound is like 'hiss', not a 'z' sound....just so you sound authentic.)
70) You stopped reading after the "Dirty Dwarves" fairy tale idea, didn't you?
71) Wake your neighbor, who has been sleeping peacefully since taxiing to the runway, by cupping your hands around your mouth and saying in as automated a voice as possible, "WHOOP WHOOP! WHOOP WHOOP! PULL UP! PULL UP!" Heh heh heh. This one makes me laugh whenever I think about it.
72) The designated hitter rule has ruined American League baseball. Sketch out a plan to convince Bud Selig, Commisioner of Major League Baseball, that the DH rule is a Communist plot to make America weak. Extra points if you point out that Fidel Castro was a pitcher.
73) When flies land on the ceiling, do they half roll there, or half loop? Ponder this. Spend time trying to figure it out, but not too long. If you spend more than 20 minutes thinking about this, you are the most boring person in the world.
74) Okay, if you can think of a way to quantify risk with regard to software engineering, email me. I could use the help with some homework. I'll even arrange to have your name added to my Master's degree, but I get to keep the sheep's skin at my house.
75) Just think, if you had a magnifying glass at this altitude, you could set a small town on fire! AH! THE POWER!
76) On a serious note....American history is, in my opinion, being shifted and revised to account for modern social norms. This troubles me, so I am forced to go to the roots of the government to understand it. I just received the copy of The Federalist that I ordered, and am now reading the biography of John Adams. I have to say that both are excellent reads. I suggest you check both of them out. They will give tremendous insight into the struggle that so many went through to form this country and her system of government. And while neither you nor I had any part in its formation, we perpetuate it in our hearts and minds. Just think: by engaging in commerce by flying, or travelling for pleasure even though you are afraid to fly, you are showing that Americans have the same resolve and strength that the Founders had when they became marked men for treason to the Crown. Good for you! I realize that many friends from across "the pond", and friends from the lands down under, come to this board as well. Thank you for standing with us. You can almost hear the theme from Patton in the background, can't you?
77) On an unserious note, if you had to describe yourself as a cartoon character, who would you be? Your answer may say a lot about you. You can blend several characters if you need. Who would I be? Well, I am equal parts Yosemite Sam, Bugs Bunny, and Daffy Duck, maybe with a little Bullwinkle thrown in for good measure. I have a quick temper but am quick to calm down and apologize (and AAAAAAAAAHHHHH'm the rootenest, tootenest, shootenest hombre, north, south, east aaaaaand west of the Pecos), I do have a quick wit and cleverness (and oh so much humility), and I am an attention hog, obviously. So, what about you? You obviously needn't limit yourself to Warner Brothers characters.
78) Smack the head of the person sitting in front of your neighbor, then pretend to be reading your magazine. It's funny to watch that person retaliate against your innocent neighbor by slamming their seat as far back as they can.
79) Seventy-nine totally original ideas about how to pass time when flying, and I'm not smart enough to come up with one idea about how to get out of working for a living. Jeez, I am a dope who misdirects his energies.
80) You still haven't gotten past that "Seven Dirty Dwarves" bit yet, have you?
81) Take a tape recorder with you. Make a few recordings of those "dings" that come over the speakers to tell you it's safe to get up, or turn on your Gameboy. Play those recordings back on your next flight before they come over the speakers. If you're sitting close enough to the flight attendants, you might trick them into starting beverage service before the plane actually takes off.
82) HEY! No activity here, but just a thought: without even trying, you have as many delegates in the Democratic National Convention as Lyndon LaRouche! And it didn't cost you a dime! You must be very proud and relieved, even if you're not a Democrat. I mean, if LAROUCHE beats you, you'd have to live with that indignity for the rest of your life.
83) Work on compiling a list of things to do in Oklahoma City and forward that list to the fine folks at The Weather Channel, which I believe is still headquartered there. I think they are running short on ways to occupy their time. You see, I don't know if you've noticed, but there always seems to be a female anchor who is, how do I put it?...in a family way. I mean ALWAYS. "TWC" might as well stand for "The Womb Channel". That northwesterly wind they talk about is actually produced by the breathing practice of TWC employees in Lamaze classes.
84) I need your help. I switched to nicotine patches not long ago in an effort to quit smoking, but it was too tough to light them, so I'm trying other substitutes. While you have time to kill, help me figure out how to free-base nicotine lozenges, will ya?
85) Time for an anagram! (You know, the re-arrangement of letters in a word or phrase, forming a new word or phrase?) Okay: "Spiro Agnew" becomes "Grow a _ _ _ _ _".
Now then, how many of you didn't arrive at the word "spine" on your first try? ;)
86) Have a water drinking contest with your neighbor. You have to be REALLY bored for this one, but it's a good time waster and good for your kidneys. Add some flair by slamming down the cups upside down, like in the Nepalese bar scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you've never seen Raiders, reply to this post and I'll send someone over to unlock you from that basement radiator you've been chained to since 1982.
87) Pull out a couple of magazines and begin carefully tearing out individual letters from various pages and setting those letters aside. When your neighbor asks what you're doing, reply, "I'm getting ready to write a letter to my ex-boy(or girl)friend." They may have to think about that one for a minute, but once they figure it out, you can use their seat to stretch out.
88) Great news! I've been named the producer of next year's Super bowl halftime show! Help me develop a plan to prevent any "wardrobe malfunctions" from befalling next year's star act, Ethel Murman.
89) I'm sorry, I need a moment to collect myself. I just had the mental image of Justin Timberlake ripping off Ethel Murman's bodice. :x
90) Now that THAT unpleasantness is behind us, does anybody know how to clean vomit off a keyboard?
91) Ladies, here's a way to get even with that slob sitting next to you who has fallen asleep and keeps crowding you. Put a small smudge of lipstick on his collar while he's sleeping. You won't be there for the payoff, but WHOA NELLY! You know it's coming!
92) I've decided to buy a home-built airplane kit, and I plan to put it together in my garage. I'm using a rather dated design, but I saved money by not buying the latest and greatest plans. I'm missing one or two key items, though, so if you could send me any bird feathers you can find, I'd appreciate it. I need them for the wings. Thanks.
93) You ever wonder if there is really no such thing as turbulence? That maybe the pilots just jostle the controls around to break up the monotony?
94) I finished dinner tonight and discovered that I didn't have room for Jello. Help me compose a letter telling Bill Cosby what a liar he is.
95) The latest rage in some English classes these days is providing translations, into modern English and slang, to the works of William Shakespeare. For instance, Sonnet 18, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate," becomes "Should I compare you to a summer's day? You're better looking and you don't make the backs of my legs sweaty," or something like that.
Anyway, take something that was written recently and translate it to Shakespearean. For example, the line from The Three Little Pigs, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" becomes "I beseech thee, petite swine! O swine petite! Allow me to tarry in thine abode."
96) My wife is out of town for a few days, and so far the wildest thing I've done is put Weed-n-Feed on my lawn. And it wasn't particularly wild or zany Weed-n-Feed. In fact, I'm not sure it even kills that scourge of suburbia...dandelions. I don't suppose any of you could come up with a list of things I can do (true to my vows, of course) the next time my wife leaves town, could you? And no, I am not above shaving obscenities into the fur of my dog if it helps me pass the time. I suppose it would be more fun if I did it to my wife's dog. That'll learn 'er not leave me alone.
97) Uh oh. Anybody know how to re-grow hair on a dog in 48 hours? Or could maybe give me someplace to stay in about 49 hours?
98) Did you know that a new GPS satellite was placed into orbit recently, replacing an older satellite due for rotation out of the network? They launched it on a Delta rocket. This gives NASA almost enough Delta SkyMiles to get a free ticket to Boise, Idaho...in coach....off season....provided they get the ticket 8 months in advance. Some blackout dates apply.
99) Do you think maybe if I put gray paint on the wife's Weimaraner, she'd know the difference (my wife, not the dog)?
100) See #57.
101) Study up on arrested development, so the next time you are involved in an argument with an off-kilter ex-airline pilot/Sigmund Freud-wannabe, you'll be prepared.
102) When the person sitting next to you offers an opinion that differs from yours, accuse that person of attacking you visciously, then try to ban them from saying anything.
103) Start your own fear of flying website.
104) Type out a memo to fax to CBS, detailing the time in 1974 that you saw George W. Bush snort cocaine off Bo Derek's cleavage while he was simultaneously urinating on an American flag and a copy of the Constitution of the United States. Make the memo look official. They'll buy it.
105) "Hmmm...I wonder if Huey would enjoy a nice box of his favorite Honduran cigars about now...."
106) Hurricane Ivan has made a lot of property in Florida and Alabama dirt cheap. Now might be a good time to invest in some land. I'll personally arrange for scuba lessons for anyone who buys down there.
107) "I wonder if the crippled kids at the local hospital have someone to read stories to them every Saturday. Now might be a good time to do that volunteer work I've been meaning to do." Okay, not funny, but we here at "List Creators, Ltd." have a social conscience. And Barbra Streisand isn't the only one with influence, ya know.
108) The original Star Wars trilogy is coming out this Tuesday in the version that George Lucas re-did a few years ago. He added many effects during that go-around, and in the interest of appealing to the new enlightened society, he now has Luke Skywalker and Han Solo getting a United Nations resolution calling for Darth Vader's ouster before they actually attack the Death Star. Could Luke have used economic sanctions and international inspectors against Vadar, instead of a direct assault?
109) So, what were YOU doing in 1972? Now is a good time to get your story straight for your 2008 presidential run.
110) My wife's Weimaraner's hair still hasn't grown back. Anyone know where I can pick up some Minoxidil for dogs?
111) Help Huey and Mrs. Huey come up with names for Baby Huey, due in August. Early contenders are "David Agamemnon" if it's a boy and "Rachel Agamemnon" if it's a girl.
112) Help Huey proofread his Graduate Research Project (still in process), entitled "Risk Tolerance: Balancing Managerial and Operational Demands with Engineering Concerns". I know, I know. Should be a real page-turner. If you think it'll put you to sleep while you're reading it, think of what it will do to me while writing it.
113) You could also help me proofread my paper for my class on Accident Investig....On second thought, maybe we'd better move on to 114.
114) Trying to figure out whether I'm serious about naming our child "Agamemnon", aren't you? Time will tell.
115) Iraqis go to the polls for the first time in 50 years on the 30th of January, and with 0% of the precincts reporting, Dan Rather and CBS have called the race for John Kerry. This was after the network broke the story of allegations that Saddam Hussein had not fulfilled his National Guard commitment.
1) Draw faces on airsick bags and stage a hand puppet rendition of Hamlet. Tear off just the head of one bag for use as the skull.
2) Lower your tray and pretend it has the controls to the airplane on it. Make sure to make engine noises as you "steer". Respond angrily when people interrupt you. Tell them to shaddup because you're busy flying.
3) Deflect your own air vent thingy at your neighbor. Adjust his air vent to point at you. Now switch. Repeat this every ten seconds or until sedated.
4) Everytime your neighbor turns his light on, reach up and turn his off, then turn your's on. You'd be surprised just how quickly you'll have the whole row to yourself.
5) As you walk back to the lavatory, activate every flight attendant call button you pass. This will get you special attention from the FA's, but hey! That's what they're there for, right? You deserve it!
6) Speak in a French accent until someone asks you if you are French, then switch to a German accent. Keep changing accents. A challenge: Try not to recycle only Eurpoean accents. Work in Australian, or Afrikaans, or Indian. Be multicultural.
7) Beverage cart jousting! I would recommend using rolled up Sky Mall magazines as lances.
8) Put on Groucho Marx glasses. Tell everyone you're in disguise and an agent on a secret mission to Pittsburgh. When asked why you are on a plane that isn't going to Pittsburgh, get angry at that person and pretend that your cover was just blown.
9) With your thumb and index finger, pretend to "squish" farm houses along your route.
10) This is particularly timely in this holiday season...Walk up and down the aisle telling every child you see that Santa Claus doesn't really exist, but that the Easter Bunny does, that he's rabid, and coming to the child's house soon.
11) Make those little steward shaped figures on the call buttons anatomically correct.
12) When little Johnny asks what you're doing when making those anatomical additions, explain the facts of life. Sometimes you'll really have to yell to be heard over little Johnny's mom's screaming.
13) The NY Times has allowed editorial commentary to creep off of the editorial pages and into the "hard news" stories. Discuss.
14) The works of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent tripe. No suggestion for an activity here; I just think Sontag is a pseudo-sophisticate with the cognitive ability of an umbrella stand who needs to shut her gob. Feel free to disagree, but you'd be wrong. :)
15) While your neighbor is sound asleep, pencil in a moustache on him (or her, for real laughs!). If his (or her's!) is already present and dark enough to be noticeable, shave half of it off.
16) Read a good book. What? Not every suggestion is cause for a laugh. Sheesh. I'm just trying to get you to turn off your Game-boy and expand your horizons.
17) Turn on Game-boy. Narrow your horizons. Go on. Do it just to spite your friend, Huey.
18) Pretend to be a somewhat famous person, but not one someone easily recognizeable. For example, you could pretend to be on-air talent for Pax TV. The odds that you'll be sitting next to any of their 34 viewers is pretty low.
19) Stand up in the aisle and pretend you're surfing.
20) Organize a game of duck-duck-goose. Play even if they won't. Your odds of winning go way up!
21) Turn on your overhead light. Make shadow puppets.
22) Sing the entire score of Gilbert and Sullivan's HMS Pinafore. Round up the roses thrown by the other passengers at the conclusion of your performance.
23) Make an "enemies" list. If it was a good idea for Tricky ****, it's a good idea for you.
24) Seat goes back, seat comes up. Seat goes back, seat comes up. Seat goes back, seat comes up.
25) Carry a good luck charm with you. Make it an accordian. Play polkas. Hey! Everybody loves polkas! But don't be surprised if by the time you are at cruising altitude someone tries to push your head through your good luck charm. Better wear a helmet, too.
26) Hmmm, if I'd used letters instead of numbers to keep track of the "things to do" list, I could be finished by now. Oh well. On to 30.
27) Now would be a good time to compose your manifesto. It doesn't matter about what, just compose a manifesto. Make copies and pass it around. Hey, if that Harpo Marx guy can have his communist manifesto, you can have one about anything you want!
28) I tried reading Moby **** not long ago and couldn't get past page 257. I think Melville is truly overrated. Then I read Robinson Crusoe by Defoe, and THAT was a real adventure novel. Back to Melville....Overrated or not? And no, your opinion of the movie with Gregory Peck does not interest me. Only people who managed to get past page 256 need respond.
29) Two words: Parcheesi!
30) Try to spot all the people who ate a very gas producing meal prior to being in the reduced pressure of the airplane cabin. These people give themselves away by the side-to-side rocking motion that is characteristic of the "one cheek sneak" method of relief. Also common is the "lean forward and let 'er rip" method. People who lean forward usually pretend to have some other reason for leaning forward, but the look of relief on their face's gives them away.
31. Talk like a play-by-play or color commentator. Mimicking John Madden is always good for a laugh. And be sure to talk as though you need to be heard over 40,000 screaming fans. Here's a line to get you started: "Ya know, when this kid came outta high school, they told her she was too small to be a good flight attendant. Then BOOM! She started on the weights, and here she is with one of the best beverage passing arms in the league."
32. Pretend to know every feature on the ground and point each one out to your neighbor. "Oh look! There's Elm Street!. And that's Maple. OOOoooo! A Bob's Big Boy! And there's a Wal-Mart, and a Jiffy Lube, and a library....."
33. Go up to the first class lavatory and use up all the paper. That'll teach those elitists!
34. Take binoculars. Tell everyone you're helping the pilot keep a lookout for Mothra.
35. More fun with binoculars: Look for sunbathers!
36. Still more fun with binoculars: Flip them around so that they're backwards and everything looks really far away. Now look out the window. This may seem scary, but when you lower the binoculars, you don't feel like you're that high up anymore. I will caution you not to look through them correctly when you're close to the ground, as that can be misleading (and potentially alarming). "WHAT THE HELL! We're over Lake Superior! Oh, wait....It's a swimming pool."
37. "Hmmm, I wonder what Huey would like for Christmas....."
38. Draw hieroglyphics on the tray in front of you.
39. The Dow Jones Industrial Average hit 10,000 today, which means it is now safe for it to use approved electronic devices....
40. Take along an atlas. Tell people that Rand McNally hired you to double check things as you fly. When someone tries talking to you, slam the atlas shut and tell them that since you were interrupted, you have to start all over.
41) Hold a chili cook off! First one to the galley stove usually wins. (This will also increase the odds of passing time by other means....see #30 above)
42) Try to build a house of cards on the tray in front of you.
43) Okay, if you were to spit riiiiiiiight.....NOW!, where would it land? (Don't forget to account for wind.)
44) Conduct a cell phone patrol (a popular pastime on the Denver to Phoenix run.)
45) Burt & Ernie: A study in Sesame Street homoeroticism or just good friends? Discuss.
46) Start thinking about what to wear to the annual office Arbor Day party.
47) Take along a unicycle. Extra points if you can stay on during a climb or descent.
48) Write a fan letter to Ben Affleck. Don't worry if you're not a real fan...He's not really talented, so it works out.
49) The British typically enjoy their roast beef well done, rather than in the correct (rare or medium-rare) condition. This led to the radical contraction of the Empire, as more and more subjects rebelled at having their meat prepared this way. I mean, Ghandi dealt them a defeat, and he was a vegetarian...A VEGETARIAN, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Your thoughts?
50) Write a rambling letter to the editor of your local newspaper about something totally inane, yet pretend to be quite serious. Here's one to give you the idea: "Dear Editor, I believe that the "Deer X-ing" sign located at 55th Avenue and Bear Parkway should be moved. There are many deer that cross the road there and many traffic accidents are caused by this. I believe the sign should be moved so that the deer will cross someplace else. If the "Deer X-ing" sign were to be moved to the 4 way stop sign at 52nd Ave and Bear Parkway, the deer would have an already marked crosswalk to use. Thank you. Sincerely, Hubert J. Crackpot"
51) Using the "Airfone" and a list of the area codes for every region you pass over, (for a good time) call "867-5309", introduce yourself as "Tommy Tutone" and ask for Jenny. Sure, you'll rack up a few hundred in toll charges, but nothing is quite as fun as hearing 30 or 40 people swear at you for pulling the same prank that the local teens do every Halloween.
52) Go through the Sky Mall magazines and draw underarm hair and horns on all the models. Color in teeth, too.
53) Tell your neighbor that you're a law enforcement officer hot on the trail of the "Hand Dryer Vandal" and that you are on your way to pick him up. When asked who the "Hand Dryer Vandal" is, explain that he is the mysterious mastermind who travels the country changing: "1. Push button 2. Rub hands under warm air," to "1. Push butt--. 2. Rub hands under -arm air," on every hot air hand dryer installed in restrooms across the country. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, is familiar with THIS deep thinker's work. Your neighbor might buy you a drink as a way of thanking you. He may think you're a looney and ask to be relocated. Either way, you win.
54) Whenever the plane banks, lean in the opposite direction in order to keep the plane balanced. Explain to your neighbor that the captain asked you to perform this vital function and that you got a voucher for a free ticket because you agreed to help. Laugh hysterically when your neighbor de-planes and tries to tell the gate agent that he was leaning, too, and is therefore entitled to compensation.
55) After your first hour or two in the air, walk up and down the aisle offering to sell nicotine lozenges to any of the smokers on board. They'll often pay big bucks for these.
56) Cramped? Neighbor infringing on your space? Try this little gem. "Hi! I'm (insert your name). What's your name? ... Pleased to meet you! What do you do? ... Oh, that's nice. Me? I'm with the Center for Disease Control. ... Why yes, it IS exciting, thank you. I just got through working on isolating a new virus. ... What's that? Oh, yes, VERY contagious, and an airborne virus. ... Well, I'm headed to (insert destination) to see a specialist. My boss thinks I might have been exposed since he noticed how often I needed to use the restroom and how long I was usually gone, and said I needed to get checked out. Do you have a kleenex handy? I feel a sneeze coming on." Once that seat is clear, stretch out for a nap.
57) This list started with 30, then increased incrementally to 40, then 50, and now it's up to 57. When it gets to 100, sell. Ha!
58) After your neighbor consumes his third beverage, start talking about Niagra Falls, scuba diving, or how your kitchen faucet runs all the time. Keep making water references. See how long it takes to make him have to use the lavatory. Try to improve your time from flight to flight. This can be even more fun when the seatbelt sign is on and he can't get up to go. (WARNING! This can backfire on you, so watch your liquid intake beforehand.) Oh, shoot. I'll be right back........As I was saying, be careful. It can backfire on you.
59) So, do you think that the flies that end up on board the airplane before the door shuts are surprised when the door opens at the airplane's destination, and they don't recognize anything?
60) Start singing the "99 bottles of beer on the wall" song, but increase your starting number in proportion to your flight time. Now, I timed it out to be about 10 seconds to sing each chorus, so for a 30 minute flight, you can get through 180 choruses, so "180 bottles of beer" is your starting point. Extrapolate out for longer flights. This is especially fun on trans-atlantic routes. Just think! In the 5 hours it takes to go from JFK to London Heathrow...1800 bottles of beer on the wall! I would advise against doing this on trans-pacific flights, as your fellow passengers will have killed you before you reach Guam.
61) Topic: Violent ground acquisition games, such as football and rugby, are actually a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war. Discuss.
62) For you those travelling with small children, now would be a great time to read a fairy tale to your kids. Try Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Explain to your kids that Snow White was being terribly repressed, as she was forced to barter her housekeeping and food preparation skills for room and board. Explain to them how Snow White's life would have improved dramatically had she been permitted to work in the gem mines as an equal, rather than subjugate herself to the patriarchal whims of a socialist mining collective.
63) Along those lines: travelling with your significant other? Try composing your own fairy tale together to pass the time. Use either an original idea, or modify an existing classic. HEY! Why not write Mistress Snow White and the Seven Dirty Dwarves? I'll help get you started: rename the dwarves Pokey, Proddy, Touchy, Feely, Pinky, Feathers, and Leather. Potential story line: Mistress White has turned the table on her diminutive captors. You take it from there. This is a 'G' rated list, after all.
64) Ask to take your seat cushion with you when you leave. Explain to the flight attendant that you plan on swimming on your trip, but forgot your little orange water waders and need some sort of floatation device.
65) At some point, turn to your neighbor and ask if he has any chewing gum. Tell him that your parole officer noticed that it calmed your nerves.
66) Wanna have fun with everybody on board? When the seatbelt sign goes off, walk up and down the aisle whistling or humming "Macarena" (whistling carries over the engine noise better). For the rest of the flight and for most of the next day, the 150 people you were flying with won't be able to get that insipid tune out of their heads.
67) If you happen to be travelling with someone, play some gin rummy, but have fun with this twist. Pick up every one of their discards. You will run out of fresh cards in a few turns and will begin feeding back to them the same cards they've already gotten rid of. Plus they think you are collecting everything they throw, so you'll eventually make them afraid to throw anything. The point is not to win; the point is to have fun driving them nuts. I have tried this one on my kid brother, and it works.
68) Lay back and imagine what Michaelangelo would have been able to do with the cabin ceiling.
69) Pretend you're on a submarine. Turn your hat around and pretend you're sighting a Nazi warship in your periscope! I would caution against yelling "FIRE ONE!" at the top of your lungs. I guess the solution is to pretend to be in a Kriegsmarine U-boat. You can yell "TORPEDO LOS!!" without too many problems! (It has a long 'o' sound, like low, and the 's' sound is like 'hiss', not a 'z' sound....just so you sound authentic.)
70) You stopped reading after the "Dirty Dwarves" fairy tale idea, didn't you?
71) Wake your neighbor, who has been sleeping peacefully since taxiing to the runway, by cupping your hands around your mouth and saying in as automated a voice as possible, "WHOOP WHOOP! WHOOP WHOOP! PULL UP! PULL UP!" Heh heh heh. This one makes me laugh whenever I think about it.
72) The designated hitter rule has ruined American League baseball. Sketch out a plan to convince Bud Selig, Commisioner of Major League Baseball, that the DH rule is a Communist plot to make America weak. Extra points if you point out that Fidel Castro was a pitcher.
73) When flies land on the ceiling, do they half roll there, or half loop? Ponder this. Spend time trying to figure it out, but not too long. If you spend more than 20 minutes thinking about this, you are the most boring person in the world.
74) Okay, if you can think of a way to quantify risk with regard to software engineering, email me. I could use the help with some homework. I'll even arrange to have your name added to my Master's degree, but I get to keep the sheep's skin at my house.
75) Just think, if you had a magnifying glass at this altitude, you could set a small town on fire! AH! THE POWER!
76) On a serious note....American history is, in my opinion, being shifted and revised to account for modern social norms. This troubles me, so I am forced to go to the roots of the government to understand it. I just received the copy of The Federalist that I ordered, and am now reading the biography of John Adams. I have to say that both are excellent reads. I suggest you check both of them out. They will give tremendous insight into the struggle that so many went through to form this country and her system of government. And while neither you nor I had any part in its formation, we perpetuate it in our hearts and minds. Just think: by engaging in commerce by flying, or travelling for pleasure even though you are afraid to fly, you are showing that Americans have the same resolve and strength that the Founders had when they became marked men for treason to the Crown. Good for you! I realize that many friends from across "the pond", and friends from the lands down under, come to this board as well. Thank you for standing with us. You can almost hear the theme from Patton in the background, can't you?
77) On an unserious note, if you had to describe yourself as a cartoon character, who would you be? Your answer may say a lot about you. You can blend several characters if you need. Who would I be? Well, I am equal parts Yosemite Sam, Bugs Bunny, and Daffy Duck, maybe with a little Bullwinkle thrown in for good measure. I have a quick temper but am quick to calm down and apologize (and AAAAAAAAAHHHHH'm the rootenest, tootenest, shootenest hombre, north, south, east aaaaaand west of the Pecos), I do have a quick wit and cleverness (and oh so much humility), and I am an attention hog, obviously. So, what about you? You obviously needn't limit yourself to Warner Brothers characters.
78) Smack the head of the person sitting in front of your neighbor, then pretend to be reading your magazine. It's funny to watch that person retaliate against your innocent neighbor by slamming their seat as far back as they can.
79) Seventy-nine totally original ideas about how to pass time when flying, and I'm not smart enough to come up with one idea about how to get out of working for a living. Jeez, I am a dope who misdirects his energies.
80) You still haven't gotten past that "Seven Dirty Dwarves" bit yet, have you?
81) Take a tape recorder with you. Make a few recordings of those "dings" that come over the speakers to tell you it's safe to get up, or turn on your Gameboy. Play those recordings back on your next flight before they come over the speakers. If you're sitting close enough to the flight attendants, you might trick them into starting beverage service before the plane actually takes off.
82) HEY! No activity here, but just a thought: without even trying, you have as many delegates in the Democratic National Convention as Lyndon LaRouche! And it didn't cost you a dime! You must be very proud and relieved, even if you're not a Democrat. I mean, if LAROUCHE beats you, you'd have to live with that indignity for the rest of your life.
83) Work on compiling a list of things to do in Oklahoma City and forward that list to the fine folks at The Weather Channel, which I believe is still headquartered there. I think they are running short on ways to occupy their time. You see, I don't know if you've noticed, but there always seems to be a female anchor who is, how do I put it?...in a family way. I mean ALWAYS. "TWC" might as well stand for "The Womb Channel". That northwesterly wind they talk about is actually produced by the breathing practice of TWC employees in Lamaze classes.
84) I need your help. I switched to nicotine patches not long ago in an effort to quit smoking, but it was too tough to light them, so I'm trying other substitutes. While you have time to kill, help me figure out how to free-base nicotine lozenges, will ya?
85) Time for an anagram! (You know, the re-arrangement of letters in a word or phrase, forming a new word or phrase?) Okay: "Spiro Agnew" becomes "Grow a _ _ _ _ _".
Now then, how many of you didn't arrive at the word "spine" on your first try? ;)
86) Have a water drinking contest with your neighbor. You have to be REALLY bored for this one, but it's a good time waster and good for your kidneys. Add some flair by slamming down the cups upside down, like in the Nepalese bar scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark. If you've never seen Raiders, reply to this post and I'll send someone over to unlock you from that basement radiator you've been chained to since 1982.
87) Pull out a couple of magazines and begin carefully tearing out individual letters from various pages and setting those letters aside. When your neighbor asks what you're doing, reply, "I'm getting ready to write a letter to my ex-boy(or girl)friend." They may have to think about that one for a minute, but once they figure it out, you can use their seat to stretch out.
88) Great news! I've been named the producer of next year's Super bowl halftime show! Help me develop a plan to prevent any "wardrobe malfunctions" from befalling next year's star act, Ethel Murman.
89) I'm sorry, I need a moment to collect myself. I just had the mental image of Justin Timberlake ripping off Ethel Murman's bodice. :x
90) Now that THAT unpleasantness is behind us, does anybody know how to clean vomit off a keyboard?
91) Ladies, here's a way to get even with that slob sitting next to you who has fallen asleep and keeps crowding you. Put a small smudge of lipstick on his collar while he's sleeping. You won't be there for the payoff, but WHOA NELLY! You know it's coming!
92) I've decided to buy a home-built airplane kit, and I plan to put it together in my garage. I'm using a rather dated design, but I saved money by not buying the latest and greatest plans. I'm missing one or two key items, though, so if you could send me any bird feathers you can find, I'd appreciate it. I need them for the wings. Thanks.
93) You ever wonder if there is really no such thing as turbulence? That maybe the pilots just jostle the controls around to break up the monotony?
94) I finished dinner tonight and discovered that I didn't have room for Jello. Help me compose a letter telling Bill Cosby what a liar he is.
95) The latest rage in some English classes these days is providing translations, into modern English and slang, to the works of William Shakespeare. For instance, Sonnet 18, "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate," becomes "Should I compare you to a summer's day? You're better looking and you don't make the backs of my legs sweaty," or something like that.
Anyway, take something that was written recently and translate it to Shakespearean. For example, the line from The Three Little Pigs, "Little pig, little pig, let me in!" becomes "I beseech thee, petite swine! O swine petite! Allow me to tarry in thine abode."
96) My wife is out of town for a few days, and so far the wildest thing I've done is put Weed-n-Feed on my lawn. And it wasn't particularly wild or zany Weed-n-Feed. In fact, I'm not sure it even kills that scourge of suburbia...dandelions. I don't suppose any of you could come up with a list of things I can do (true to my vows, of course) the next time my wife leaves town, could you? And no, I am not above shaving obscenities into the fur of my dog if it helps me pass the time. I suppose it would be more fun if I did it to my wife's dog. That'll learn 'er not leave me alone.
97) Uh oh. Anybody know how to re-grow hair on a dog in 48 hours? Or could maybe give me someplace to stay in about 49 hours?
98) Did you know that a new GPS satellite was placed into orbit recently, replacing an older satellite due for rotation out of the network? They launched it on a Delta rocket. This gives NASA almost enough Delta SkyMiles to get a free ticket to Boise, Idaho...in coach....off season....provided they get the ticket 8 months in advance. Some blackout dates apply.
99) Do you think maybe if I put gray paint on the wife's Weimaraner, she'd know the difference (my wife, not the dog)?
100) See #57.
101) Study up on arrested development, so the next time you are involved in an argument with an off-kilter ex-airline pilot/Sigmund Freud-wannabe, you'll be prepared.
102) When the person sitting next to you offers an opinion that differs from yours, accuse that person of attacking you visciously, then try to ban them from saying anything.
103) Start your own fear of flying website.
104) Type out a memo to fax to CBS, detailing the time in 1974 that you saw George W. Bush snort cocaine off Bo Derek's cleavage while he was simultaneously urinating on an American flag and a copy of the Constitution of the United States. Make the memo look official. They'll buy it.
105) "Hmmm...I wonder if Huey would enjoy a nice box of his favorite Honduran cigars about now...."
106) Hurricane Ivan has made a lot of property in Florida and Alabama dirt cheap. Now might be a good time to invest in some land. I'll personally arrange for scuba lessons for anyone who buys down there.
107) "I wonder if the crippled kids at the local hospital have someone to read stories to them every Saturday. Now might be a good time to do that volunteer work I've been meaning to do." Okay, not funny, but we here at "List Creators, Ltd." have a social conscience. And Barbra Streisand isn't the only one with influence, ya know.
108) The original Star Wars trilogy is coming out this Tuesday in the version that George Lucas re-did a few years ago. He added many effects during that go-around, and in the interest of appealing to the new enlightened society, he now has Luke Skywalker and Han Solo getting a United Nations resolution calling for Darth Vader's ouster before they actually attack the Death Star. Could Luke have used economic sanctions and international inspectors against Vadar, instead of a direct assault?
109) So, what were YOU doing in 1972? Now is a good time to get your story straight for your 2008 presidential run.
110) My wife's Weimaraner's hair still hasn't grown back. Anyone know where I can pick up some Minoxidil for dogs?
111) Help Huey and Mrs. Huey come up with names for Baby Huey, due in August. Early contenders are "David Agamemnon" if it's a boy and "Rachel Agamemnon" if it's a girl.
112) Help Huey proofread his Graduate Research Project (still in process), entitled "Risk Tolerance: Balancing Managerial and Operational Demands with Engineering Concerns". I know, I know. Should be a real page-turner. If you think it'll put you to sleep while you're reading it, think of what it will do to me while writing it.
113) You could also help me proofread my paper for my class on Accident Investig....On second thought, maybe we'd better move on to 114.
114) Trying to figure out whether I'm serious about naming our child "Agamemnon", aren't you? Time will tell.
115) Iraqis go to the polls for the first time in 50 years on the 30th of January, and with 0% of the precincts reporting, Dan Rather and CBS have called the race for John Kerry. This was after the network broke the story of allegations that Saddam Hussein had not fulfilled his National Guard commitment.